BUT! No previouslies this week. Just that one blonde girl running around and then digging frantically. We don’t see what she buries though. And…then there’s a flashback to her at a strip club. And she’s a stripper. Named “Corvette”. She gyrates for a while and then watches some thug type go into the back room with a metal briefcase full of money. She chases him…and then she starts talking about how the money is for the orphanage? What is this cheese? And Billy Dee Williams in a fedora? There‘s the usual bad movie dialogue about how Billy Dee is the “Cobra“ or whatever, and I guess she‘s going to get it, but then she shouts “Razzle Dazzle“ and kicks the thug. I’m sorry, “razzle dazzle“? That’s the best they could do? Then Billy Dee Williams shoots her. Good. And another time for good measure. Two more strippers come in and Billy Dee calls them Autumn and Crystal and says Corvette worked for the Cobra. This is like a bad Skinimax movie. Cheesy music plays and then some guy yells cut. See? Movie. Everyone cheers for Nikki. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN. I have to learn about these people? Nikki and that guy Paulo? They’re just redshirts! They‘re gonna die! Why are we spending an episode on them? The director says they could bring her back next season, somehow. She says she’s just a guest star “and we know what happens to guest stars.“ Yeah, they’re redshirts! This better not be a waste of my time. They go outside to where you can see the Sydney Opera House (real estate with a view like that is being used to shoot horrid TV shows? Unlikely) and it’s revealed that Nikki is sleeping with the director. So that’s how that happened.

Back on the island Hurley is kicking Sawyer’s ass in ping pong again. Nikki stumbles out of the bushes and collapses. She tries to say something, but no one can understand her. Sawyer goes to get some water, and then she dies. I told you! Hurley says that Nikki’s dead, and Sawyer says, “Who the hell is Nikki?” Preach on, brother.

The timestamp says “84 days ago”. According to the last episode that’s 4 days before the crash. Nikki and the director are eating breakfast and she praises it, and he calls Paulo out to get the credit. Apparently he’s the “Wolfgang Puck of Brazil” but has an American accent. The director says he showed up at his office every day until he got the job. Then he offers Nikki the basket of rolls, with a surprise inside! It’s a necklace for Nikki. He starts talking about his wife, and then the old guy bites it. Surprise! She pulls a key off his neck and she yells at Paolo for making her eat the same food. They bust into the safe and there’s a Russian matryoshka nesting doll inside. They stare at it for a while. At least she stops Paulo from smoking because ashes are evidence.

Hurley says there’s no polar bear bite. Hee. Nothing else is wrong with her either. Charlie says there’s stuff under her nails. Hurley thinks she said “Power lines” right before she died. Or, “Paulo lies”. Or “Plywood.“ Hurley is partial to “Paulo lies”. Sawyer doesn’t know who Paulo is either. But Hurley does of course.

80 days ago: now Paulo’s accent is far more pronounced. He reads Nikki the newspaper article about the old guy dying. Then they toast their new life together, and in the background Shannon and Boone are arguing about how there‘s nowhere to sit, and Boone somehow screwed them out of first class. She’s being a bitch, but I don’t care as much because, Boone. Shannon tells him to “stop flirting with random guys” which I’m sure makes people all a-flutter that Boone was gay. Since he’s dead I don’t think it matters so much, does it? Nikki makes Paulo promise they‘ll never end up like them. You mean, have quasi-incestuous sex and then Paulo will do something stupid for Locke and you’ll get shot? I think we can handle that. Then we’re on the island right after the crash, where Shannon is just standing there screaming, and Nikki is wandering around looking for Paulo, I guess. How did they do this? Did they splice her in? I don’t think she was hired when they shot this scene. They didn’t recreate it, I’m pretty sure. Nikki tries to find Paulo but pulls Arzt up instead. Boone asks her for a pen. Well, they would have brought Boone back to shoot the airport scene. I wonder if they put some background together and then spliced in the rest. Because I know Boone asked someone for a pen during the pilot but I don’t think it was Nikki. She finally finds Paulo in a daze. The first thing she asks Paulo for is the bag. Nice to see you alive too.

Sawyer, Jin, and Hurley follow the trail back into the jungle to find Paulo dead also. Guess you did end up like Shannon and Boone after all. Also his pants are undone. I like it when Jin says something in Korean and Hurley is all, “Yeah, I know.” Jin goes into his pack and tries to unscrew Paulo’s water bottle but Sawyer stops him and empties it out. Hurley goes on about a crime scene. Sawyer rolls his eyes but Jin mentions the monster.

75 days ago: Nikki and Paulo rummage through stuff and Paulo thinks there‘s a monster. Nikki wants him to focus so they can find their bag. Ethan talks to them. Hee. He’s so creepy. He tells them to look inland. Evil! Arzt bitches about how Boone stole all the water, and that’s when there was that fight about it, and Jack told everyone that nothing was going to happen and he gives his big “I am a leader and we should work together“ speech. I am betting that they took Jack’s original speech and then added the separate shots of Nikki and Paulo standing around in the background. Because the shots of the two of them don’t have anyone important in them.

Hurley thinks it was the monster because Nikki and Paulo were there when Echo died and he said “you’re next”. Sawyer of course thinks Echo was talking about everyone. Hurley says, “Yeah, that’s not really better.” Sawyer wants to find out about these two…”jabronis”? Jin repeats the term only from him it sounds like “Japanese” which makes even less sense. Apparently a “jabroni” is a new immigrant. Then Sawyer calls them “Nina” and “Pablo”. Hee.

57 days ago: Nikki goes to Arzt in her bikini top and he shows her all his new species and talks about how he’s going to be Charles Darwin. Specifically he talks about the medusa spider, which has very strong pheromones to attract male spiders. This would be the gun shown in the first act that will go off in the third. She asks him to help find her luggage. She is so transparent! But he totally falls for it and offers to help her work out the trajectories. Later Paulo doesn’t want to believe him, and he’s all jealous and throws it at Nikki about how she slept with the director. She gets mad and he says they should have just gone to Ethan. The two of them find the plane with Echo’s brother in it. She tells him to go up there, but he says it’ll fall. Nice. She also finds the Pearl hatch door on the ground. They get it open but she says they’re not going down there. They sure are playing hard and loose with the history here. However Nikki gets in a good slam at Locke: “You don’t want to climb up to a plane but now you want to climb down a ladder into a dark tunnel? I don’t think so.”

Sawyer and Hurley go through Nikki and Paulo’s tent. Charlie says it’s not the food, and Hurley thinks it was the monster. Turns out Nikki was keeping Arzt’s bugs. And then Charlie finds the Expose script and Hurley watches the show and he’s all thrilled and thinks it was awesome. “It’s like Baywatch only better.“ OH! And then Sawyer finds a walkie talkie! Exactly like the Others have! Double agents! Dun dun DUN!

48 days ago: Shannon bitches that “Kate and her two boyfriends” found some guns. Kate is stupid and lets everyone know where the key to the case is. Arzt yells “The pigs are walking!” Now, now, what happened to making obvious literary references in the form of people reading books? That’s from Animal Farm, where the pigs started a revolution only to lord it over the other animals. At the end of the book they start walking on two legs like people. The important comparison here is Kate, Sawyer, and Jack = pigs. Nikki just wants to know where they found the case. Nikki makes Paulo dive into the pool to look for the bag. He wants to know if she didn’t need him to find the bag, would they still be together? She says it’s worth 8 million dollars, which…doesn’t answer the question. At least Paulo looks good with his shirt off. Somehow he finds the bag, but he tells her he didn’t find it. She runs off, stupidly, giving him time to go back down and get it.

Sawyer stirs up trouble and says that the Others are out there. He reminds them of Michael. Hurley says they’re on the other side of the island. Sun points out that the Others kidnapped her. Sawyer and Charlie look guilty. Sawyer has a gun which he says he took off one of them. He’s going to do a perimeter sweep. Hurley is like, when were you going to tell us about your gun? Sawyer says, “I guess right now.” Heh.

32 days ago: Paulo eats a handful of nicotine gum. It took him 6 days to get the bag back to camp? Locke comes over and is all nosy, and then says that everyone is entitled to their secrets but “nothing stays buried on this island.” He talks about high tide and erosion, but I’m sure there’s a deeper meaning. Paolo goes back to Pearl station and looks around. He hides the doll in the toilet tank, and then has to hide from Gale and Juliet. Gale tells Juliet to get Tom to cover the hatch opening with the plane. Wait…the plane did fall, later. Did Tom weaken the branch or something so when Boone got up there it would fall down? They spy on Jack in Swan station. Juliet observes that he’s cute. Gale thinks he can convince Jack to do the surgery by exploiting his emotions. Juliet wants to know if they just grab everyone, Kate and Sawyer included, but Gale says they’ll use Michael to bring them all over. She wants to leave. Paulo grabs a walkie talkie on the table. They just left it there? Awfully convenient. And Juliet and Gale didn’t leave it there, so I guess Tom did. Tom’s getting sloppy.

Hurley asks Desmond if he can use his psychic powers to find out what happened to Nikki and Paulo. When Desmond can’t do it, Hurley says his super powers are lame. Desmond then busts out that Nikki was yelling at Sawyer this morning. Right before she died. How interesting!

Vincent uncovers the bodies while Hurley, Charlie, and Sun dig graves. Vincent sure likes dead bodies. Maybe he is a zombie! Hurley thinks Sawyer was involved, but Sun says she knows what the Others can do. Hurley goes off to ask Desmond again. Charlie chooses this time to confess to Sun that he was the one that kidnapped her. He says he wasn’t himself after Locke hit him and humiliated him, and Sawyer told him that he could get even. Sun storms off. Why haven’t they closed their eyes yet? I mean, I’m glad they tried to cover Nikki and Paulo with a blanket, but they could have closed their eyes.

9 days ago: Locke asks for volunteers for the expedition to the Pearl station. This is the part where we actually started seeing Nikki and Paolo. And everyone is like, who are they? In the station Paolo goes into the bathroom and fishes the nesting dolls out of the toilet tank. He has to stomp on one of them to break it, and he puts the pouch inside down his pants. That’s going to be cold. Then he pretends he’s been using the bathroom.

Everyone digs graves, and when Sawyer comes over Hurley demands the gun. He says it’s not even loaded, but Hurley says he shouldn’t be sweeping the perimeter then. Then he confronts him about arguing with Nikki. He says he didn’t kill them, but Nikki wanted a gun so they argued about it. He didn’t say anything because of the dirt under her fingernails. She was burying something, and he’s interested. Hey, she was running away from Paulo so that pile of dirt couldn’t have been near his body. Sun asks what it was, and Sawyer throws her a bag of diamonds. Those are Matt Parkman’s diamonds! He stole them from that crime scene fair and square with his telepathy! Sawyer tells her to keep it.

12 hours ago: Nikki observes that they’ve missed Thanksgiving, just like they’ll miss everything. Paulo thinks not finding the bag was good for them, because it might have torn them apart. I don’t remember him having an accent in past episodes, but I wasn’t watching closely so I don’t know. He tells her to wait there for him while he gets some breakfast, and when he’s gone she sees that some nicotine gum has fallen out of his pocket. See? Smoking is bad for you. She goes to beg Sawyer for a gun, which he denies her on account of the “A-Team” has them. Then he says nothing good would come of it anyways, on account of she’s all mad. He tells her to jump in the water, and she leaves. He yells after her, “And who the hell are you?” That was an argument? Lame. Sawyer’s the only one who yelled.

Shirtless!Sawyer looks all sad, and he digs graves by himself. Sun confronts him about the fake kidnapping, and he doesn’t deny it. She says she’s not going to tell Jin, and he asks why not. She says then they’d have to dig another grave. And she says it in this matter-of-fact way which is kind of creepy. She gives the diamonds back to him because they’re worthless on the island. Then she slaps him. Excellent.

Hurley tries to give a eulogy but it fails. He can’t really come up with anything other than that he loved Expose and they were nice to him. Sawyer tells him to wait, and he sprinkles the diamonds over the grave. Someone’s digging that up later.

8 hours ago: Nikki leads Paulo into the middle of nowhere, and says she found the diamonds and she wants them now. He does a really poor job of pretending he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She waves the gum in his face, and then she throws a spider at him and I guess it bites him right before he kills it. She taunts him about how one bite from the medusa spider will paralyze him for 8 hours. And he’ll look dead. Awesome. She pats him down to find the diamonds. She throws his shoe, and then goes into his pants to find them. Ah, but I am remembering the rest of Arzt’s story, which is that the pheromones from that spider will call all the male spiders from all over. Paulo says he’s sorry, and she thinks he’s only sorry he got caught, but Paulo says he was afraid of losing her, because she wouldn’t need him anymore. Then there is the creepy soundtrack noise that is always used for spiders and there are a lot of them crawling around and this scene is seriously giving me the willies and I have to look away until the spiders are gone. Eww eww eww! She gets to the beach and says “Paralyzed.”

Haha. Hurley and Sawyer shovel sand into the grave and then Nikki opens her eyes just as they shovel sand on her face. And now they’re buried. That is kick ass. The only thing that would have been better is that in the last shot when there’s just the grave, if Nikki’s hand would have shot out of the ground.

Next week: Kate drags Juliet around, and then they fight as if Kate cares and she didn’t totally ditch Jack for Sawyer. Does this mean it’s a Kate episode, or a Juliet episode? Because I’m tired of Kate but not of Juliet.

Written by: Toyouke